Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
