So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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