well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
