so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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