why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
