tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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