FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
