I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
