Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
