so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
