dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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