I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
