I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I did not marry a roomba.
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