my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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