my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
