There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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