Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
