Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
