I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
