yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
