someone threw a dead crab at me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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