She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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