i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
