i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
