but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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