Where is the hickey?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
