So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
