Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
