My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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