I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
