And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
