Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
