new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
