My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
