I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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