May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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