I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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