hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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