On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
