my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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