i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We are all done wearing pants today
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
