If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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