Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
