i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
