i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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