the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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