The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He passed out mid-signature
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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