his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
