apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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