I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
