i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
