I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
