Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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